I have the honor of waking up every morning to two precious little girls that have changed my world. Despite that fact, today was very difficult for me. I spent this morning's church service in the little lobby area reserved for crying babies. This morning it hosted a crying mommy.
Most of you know that we struggled with infertility for awhile both before and after the birth of our daughter, Mackenzie and struggled even more with the loss of our son, Jack. Understandably, Mother's Day was a huge struggle for me.
After we turned to adoption and brought home our daughter, Avery, you would think that my love/hate relationship with Mother's Day would have resolved itself. I mean, Mother's Day is a celebration of mothers and I'm a mother...right??? My head says yes; my heart screams no.
In addition to missing my son, I struggle this year with the thought of next year. Will we be celebrating another little one in the family or will we still be waiting? Even if we have had the honor of bringing another little one into our home, I know that my heart will break for their birthmother the same way my heart breaks for Avery's. Knowing the sacrifice and pain that she endures so that my wish and dream of mothering another little soul could come true is humbling to say the least.
Yes, I'm a mother, but I struggle with knowing that I can't bring new life into this world and I grieve over that fact. In order for me to welcome another baby into my home, another woman will find herself in an impossible situation with an impossible decision to make. I pray for her every day when I pray for Avery's birthmom. I pray that she knows that she is loved and that one day she will understand the depth of our gratitude for her decision.
Ours is not a perfect world, the brokenness that we all struggle with every day is a reminder of that. But even within that, its amazes me to see the ways that God has taken the brokenness in our life and the brokenness in other's and knit together a story more amazing that any story I could have written for myself. I am humbled and honored that God has allowed me to be a mother and I rest in the knowledge that His plan for me is perfectly His.
Post again soon,
Saturday night in Chiang Mai
3 weeks ago