Monday, August 23, 2010

Not Me! Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! Hope you enjoy all the things that I did NOT do this week…and last.

I did NOT message my husband on Facebook from the living room simply to tell him that I was going to bed. Nope, NOT me, I’m really not that lazy….I mean I’m a little lazy, but in my defense it is really, really far from our living room ALL the way to the home office…no? Not buying it? Yup, I guess I am that lazy…

I was NOT excited when my walk was rained out and I was forced (against my will of course) to instead spend hours in the bookstore torturing myself by perusing hundreds of books, drinking coffee and talking with a good friend. Yeah, I did NOT enjoy that AT ALL!

I did NOT spend $60 on books and a new bible cover at said bookstore despite the imposed spending freeze and overall budget deficit. Nope, NOT me, I’m way more responsible than that.

I did NOT hear the words “That’s not fair! I never get to do anything that I want!” come out of my 4-year-old’s mouth. I did NOT respond with my first instinct which was to laugh, reply “Ha, you think it’s bad now, just wait?” and send her to her room.

I did NOT botch my first approach to the adoption conversation with Mackenzie by not clarifying that a new baby would join our family….NOT that she would join another family. Yeah, it did NOT take me 2 days to figure out that’s why she looked horrified at mommy’s description of what adoption was. Yup….NOT my finest mommy moment…really…really…NOT

We were NOT the oldest people in the theater for a recently released vampire parody. Seriously, that other couple didn’t count…yeah ’cause they were there with their teen. I did NOT run into the lady that runs my daughter’s preschool and have to explain to her what movie I had chosen to see with my coveted parent’s night out. Yeah, it was NOT horribly embarrassing.

Can’t wait to hear what you guys did NOT do this week!


Sunday, August 22, 2010 it Monday yet!?!?!

Ok, I’m not going to lie, this was a very tough weekend for me. If you paged over in hopes of reading some more fluff or possibly even an early Not Me! Monday! – you should run…now…

I should preface this though by saying that although it was a very challenging weekend it was (as I usually discover) also a very reassuring and strengthening weekend…more on that later.

So we have had certain tasks that we’ve known were coming and certain activities that we knew we would have to participate in eventually. I just had no idea we would get so many in one weekend.

We heard on Friday that our good friends from church were in the hospital with preterm labor. She was 32 weeks which isn’t nearly as early as Jack, but still early enough to be concerning. After some internal debate (and many prayers for strength) I decided that I would visit with them Saturday morning, not realizing until I got there that she had delivered overnight. Luckily both mom and baby are doing well. Although it was very difficult to be there and it brought back lots of painful memories it was also very rewarding to be able to be there for them. The world of emergency c-sections and premature babies in NICU is very scary and I’m thankful for the chance to help in any way I can.

Saturday night brought some great time with some of my good girl friends getting prepared for another good friend’s baby shower and just hanging out. It was really good to hang out with them and have a little down time.

After church this morning I had another challenge to face. I had a deep freezer full of breast milk that needed to find a good home. Luckily my friend Adrienne knows a wonderful mom who is in the process of adopting a little girl who was also born at 24 weeks…it just seemed fitting that she take it. After loading 3 (yes 3!!) coolers with milk, she shared her family’s story and I felt so blessed to be able to share this gift with her. Although it was probably the most difficult thing I have done since losing Jack, it was also incredibly comforting to know that it was going to someone who would truly appreciate it. I am truly grateful to know that it is going to nourish a very special little girl. (I am also very, very grateful that I had a rock strong shoulder to lean on – thank you Adi!!)

While I would have loved nothing more than to curl up in bed and hide, it was time to go to a baby shower - my first since Jack. Although it was also difficult to be in that cutesy-baby-charged-oh-so-overly-happy environment, I was very glad that I was able to spend time with a great momma to help her celebrate her newest little miracle-to-be.

In addition to all this, did I mention that I was on Worship Team this morning for church? That was incredibly rewarding also. I love music and being able to be that involved in worship was amazing. I’m also glad to know that years of scratching away on the violin were not spent in vain :-)

So, I must admit that I am a little proud of myself for managing all of this. It was really difficult to go through these challenges but it’s incredible to be reassured over and over again of God’s incredible strength and power.

Thank you Lord for strengthening me through these challenges and allowing me to bless others.


Thursday, August 19, 2010


Wow….so many things to blog about I don’t even know where to start…

Ok, fluffy stuff first. We threw a birthday party for me and my two best friends Liz and Sandra on Saturday. Sandra and I are turning….um… 29-ish. (Liz still has a year to catch up – but it’s comin’ for you too girl :-). We had a really awesome time. It was so great to see everyone there and to get a chance to just hang out and talk. It’s hard to believe that I’m turning 30 in a little over a week. Just 2 months ago that number really scared me. I remember June 29th realizing that I was going to be 30 in just 2 months and absolutely losing it. I think because on my last birthday we had just found out we were pregnant a few days earlier and were on this incredible trip through Virginia and Maryland with our little growing family. It seemed like we had everything that we had dreamt about having and 30 really didn’t seem so scary.

What a difference 10 months made….

What a difference 2 months makes…

Today 30 doesn’t seem so tough. Yeah its rough seeing your youth slowly slip away and constantly being called ma’am (oh, and sending your kid to VPK…more on that later) but I’m today I’m feeling okay. I feel like we understand what God is calling us to do right now and that gives us something to focus on outside of ourselves; something to help us remember that we were put here for something bigger than ourselves and our “plan” for our lives. God has a plan for our lives that we don’t understand yet…and probably won’t ever fully understand.

Wow, that got pretty “un-fluffy” fast….on to fluffier topics. I realize that I missed a Not Me! Monday. I apologize deeply for this. I swear to make up for it this Monday because man I did some bizarre things this week. I also had to send my kid to VPK this week. Granted she is going to the same school she went to last week, but it’s a MUCH bigger classroom…and they have bugs…and HOMEWORK! Seriously!?! Do 4 year-year-olds need homework? I think not.

Mackenzie handled the transition well. Mommy did ok…a few tears but for the most part I am really excited about everything that she will be learning this year getting ready for kindergarten next year. (Yeah, not gonna lie, that one will be rough for me!)

On the adoption front we are still praying through this and watching all the different ways that God continues to affirm that this is in His plan for us. We will be working on the formal application here shortly but we are still many months away from any real movement on that front. Please keep praying for us that God will continue to affirm this decision.

Anyway, my news box is empty but I promise to post again soon.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Where You lead, we will follow....

I had some very grandiose plans about creating a “mini-series” on my blog laying out our options and analyzing the best next step for our family….blah…blah…blah… It hadn’t happened yet because I figured I had plenty of time….What’s that phrase “When men plan, God laughs”? Something like that…

Saturday changed everything for us. We went to an informational meeting for a local faith-based adoption agency. Originally we hadn’t put much hope into it as an option but were looking more for an overview of the whole process. We had thought that if we did go the adoption route that we would probably go through the state foster/adopt process….again see above quote.

Before we went in I prayed that if this was where we needed to be that God would let us know….and boy did He! It truly felt as though every word they spoke was intended directly for us. The couple things that we had been hesitant about were entirely put to rest. I wrote in an earlier blog that “Hopefully when we’re ready to take the next step God will lead us in the right direction”. It’s amazing to see that actually play out so vividly. It will still be a few months before we even get the ball rolling, but we are both really excited about where God is leading us.

Thank you guys so much for all your prayers and support!!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Not Me! Monday! - The Silly Bandz edition!

It's another Not me! Monday!! Hope you enjoy! Visit MckMama for other un-confessions.

I did NOT get mildly excited when Silly Bandz finally descended on our home…until the bag was opened and 1 million tiny plastic glow-in-the-dark zoo animals exploded in my living room.

I did NOT compare Silly Bandz with a co-worker in the breakroom at work. Nope, not me, those things are for kids, right??

I did NOT have to resist the urge to sift through the neighbors recycling bin in search of just one more glass jar for my next project…calm down, I didn’t actually do it….I promise!

I did NOT allow my daughter to have princess fruit snacks before breakfast. Some of you may recognize this, no I did not re-use this only to have something to fill space, I actually did this again. Yeah, I need to stock better breakfast foods…

I did NOT give away so many samples of homemade laundry soap that I needed to make more. I did NOT make 2 batches only to realize that I gave away most of those also. (I was NOT just a little excited about that since it means I make some more :-)

Can't wait to hear yours!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Today I ran....

Sometime it is so overwhelming just how heavy this ache is for Jack. It’s still so difficult to believe that he is actually gone. There is a song by Matthew West that really captures how it feels. The opening lines are:

Don’t be mad if I cry,
It just hurt so much sometimes
‘Cause everyday it‘s sinking in
And I have to say good bye all over again.

That’s how it feels. Every day I come to terms with it all over again. Every day has its battles. Sometimes I win and I’m able to remember God’s promise that through the sacrifice of His son on the cross, I will be with mine again…

Other days (ahem, should we just say today??) aren’t quite so easy. It’s amazing how quickly your day can unravel. I’ve never been one to run, I’ve always faced things head on; dealt with them as they have come.

Today I ran…and I am NOT proud of that. I hated the way I felt as I tucked my tail between my legs and admitted that today I just could not be a productive member of society. I could not sit at my desk and pretend to be normal when my heart was breaking….correction…is broken. The thought of people witnessing my pain was simply too much to bear.
So I came home, curled up on the couch (That is of course after I screamed myself hoarse in the car…something I recommend for the stress relief but not so much for the headache that follows) and hid myself from the world.

Today I ran…I realized something as I ran though, it doesn’t matter how fast or how far you run it’s still there…the ache, the pain, the sorrow. Whatever burden you are carrying is still there. The answer was there though, right in my face. Something I have heard a thousand times before and have repeated a thousand times. God is bigger than our problems. He is bigger than our pain, our sorrow, our anger.
Um, duh!! I had forgotten that nothing I have comes from me. The strength I had yesterday to face my problems was still there, I had just forgotten to ask for it. In the chaos and panic of trying to "get through it" I had forgotten to run to God.

Through Him I will find strength. Through Him I will find peace. Through Him I will find salvation.

Today, I ran… sometimes you just have to.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Not Me! Monday!

Without further ado, here is all the stuff I did NOT do this week….oh, and last week too :)

I did NOT search all week for my bible only to find it in the exact same spot my husband told me to look…um on Monday. Nope, NOT me, I value my husband’s opinion…really I do!

I did NOT have to tell my kid to stop kicking herself in the head….at a table…in a restaurant…Seriously!?!?! Where does she get this from??? NOT me!! I did NOT have to follow her response with a “Because we just don’t kick ourselves in the head” Luckily the guy sitting directly behind her did NOT laugh hysterically…Nope, NOT me….NOT my kid!

I did NOT wake up at 5am one morning to realize that I was lying (rather uncomfortably) on top of a hot pink and magenta My Little Pony (named Ashley). Nope, NOT me. After all, our bedroom is our sanctuary. No toys in there just peaceful grown-up serenity.

(I did NOT just double over laughing at the thought of actually having “peaceful grown-up serenity”. I mean seriously who has that….ok that doesn’t have kids???)

I did NOT get ridiculously excited because there were extra coupons in the Sunday paper. I mean seriously, I’m NOT that big of a dork….am I???

Can’t wait to hear all the things you guys did NOT do this week!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Ok, so some of you have noticed the silence of the blog over the last week. Wish I had a better excuse than the actual one. Which isn't really an excuse.

I had a few really, really tough days. I understand now that I should have blogged through it, after all, that's exactly why I started this thing. But, in an attempt to keep the "dark stuff" from ruining my happy little world here, I pulled away to avoid posting the truth....I really, really, really miss my son. It wasn't one little thing that pushed me over, just a culmination of things. I went to bed one night with a very specific image of Jack. I woke up with that image the next morning and it followed me the rest of my day.

Every time that I feel like I'm getting past the worst of it, it comes back and knocks me down...hard. It's like being on a rollercoaster only less exciting but just as nauseating. When it's bad it sneaks up so quickly. It catches me off guard and totally takes my breath away. I never quite know if it's going to go away or just stick around for the rest of the day.

Part of it may have been explained though....some of you know that I had two doctors appointments last week. In addition to seeing my OB/GYN I saw an endocrinologist. I was diagnosed a few years ago with a condition called PCOS, a disease that causes infertility in addition to some really fun hormonal issues. This was my first time seeing a doctor for it outside of trying to get pregnant. I wanted to get a handle on the hormone thing and get things balanced. Good thing I did. The doctor ordered some bloodwork and it turns out I also have hypothyroidism. Totally out of left field...

The more research I do the more it all fits together though. I have had a lot of the symptoms I just didn't realize it. Fatigue, weight gain, depression, etc. (Ok, that last one probably wasn't entirely the hypothyroidism...) It can even contribute to infertility, miscarriage and preterm labor. Hopefully by getting a handle on this we can help avoid any issues in the future. The solution is medicine that will hopefully even me out over the next few weeks. Not that this will make me all sunshine and rainbows again (um, like I ever really was) but hopefully with one less thing to deal with it will help.

I really just want to feel normal again. I want to be able to be around people and not have to worry about keeping my guard up so that I don't burst into tears at the wrong moment. I've had glimpses of it. Moments where I have felt "almost" myself again. I know that it might be a long way off if it's even obtainable but I really hope that some day I'll be able to achieve it. To have this horrible ache in my chest ease. To feel like a normal person instead of the mother that lost her son. I don't for a moment wish that I could erase the last 6 months though. I just wish that I was at the point where it doesn't hurt so much to think about him. I'm not 100% sure that I'll ever be there but I have to believe that with God's help I can find it. I don't have the strength to do it on my own.

Thankfully God has placed some amazing people in my life to help me through this. Thank you so much to everyone that has been there for me. That has listened to me, comforted me, loved on me and prayed for me. I appreciate it more than you know....