Thursday, August 5, 2010

Today I ran....

Sometime it is so overwhelming just how heavy this ache is for Jack. It’s still so difficult to believe that he is actually gone. There is a song by Matthew West that really captures how it feels. The opening lines are:

Don’t be mad if I cry,
It just hurt so much sometimes
‘Cause everyday it‘s sinking in
And I have to say good bye all over again.

That’s how it feels. Every day I come to terms with it all over again. Every day has its battles. Sometimes I win and I’m able to remember God’s promise that through the sacrifice of His son on the cross, I will be with mine again…

Other days (ahem, should we just say today??) aren’t quite so easy. It’s amazing how quickly your day can unravel. I’ve never been one to run, I’ve always faced things head on; dealt with them as they have come.

Today I ran…and I am NOT proud of that. I hated the way I felt as I tucked my tail between my legs and admitted that today I just could not be a productive member of society. I could not sit at my desk and pretend to be normal when my heart was breaking….correction…is broken. The thought of people witnessing my pain was simply too much to bear.
So I came home, curled up on the couch (That is of course after I screamed myself hoarse in the car…something I recommend for the stress relief but not so much for the headache that follows) and hid myself from the world.

Today I ran…I realized something as I ran though, it doesn’t matter how fast or how far you run it’s still there…the ache, the pain, the sorrow. Whatever burden you are carrying is still there. The answer was there though, right in my face. Something I have heard a thousand times before and have repeated a thousand times. God is bigger than our problems. He is bigger than our pain, our sorrow, our anger.
Um, duh!! I had forgotten that nothing I have comes from me. The strength I had yesterday to face my problems was still there, I had just forgotten to ask for it. In the chaos and panic of trying to "get through it" I had forgotten to run to God.

Through Him I will find strength. Through Him I will find peace. Through Him I will find salvation.

Today, I ran… sometimes you just have to.

6 comments:

  1. Jeny--
    I am just a lurker, but today I must tell you that I am thinking of you as you go through this sorrow. I have seen great strength in you during these months, and I am so proud of you.
    You are so right--sometimes you just have to run!

    I will be thinking of you through the rest of the day, and asking God to send angels of mercy to watch over you and bring you peace and strength. With Love, Julie

    "Grief is like the sky--it covers everything."
    --C.S. Lewis

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  2. Remember, Jeny, there is no heartache that will touch you that hasn't FIRST passed thru His Loving Hands.

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  3. Wish I could be there for you.

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  4. Jeny,

    I say hell yeah! You chose not to be "pretend" today. You chose to mourn and to be vulnerable and you were true to your emotions. You were strong today. I wish that I could be so brave. Every time you choose to bring your heart fully to God, you are being refined. And I have to say you are looking shiny and beautiful, my friend!

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  5. Ok, I am going to try this AGAIN!!!
    I don't think you ran today, I think that you showed strength in the fact that you realized you needed some time to process the feelings you have had these past few days. Instead of hiding and not accepting what you have been feeling I think you took it head on today and with that it allowed you to grow and heal a little more. I think you and your family have showed courage and yes, strength in all that you have been through in these past 6 months. I honestly can say that I have not ever seen you duck down and hide through it all. All I can say is continue to do what you do best and go day by day, and accept the thunderstorms as well as the rainbows!

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  6. Next time I am praying that you crawl - crawl into the lap of your Father, who knows very well the pain of watching his son die, and feel his loving arms around you as you weep.

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