Ok, so some of you have noticed the silence of the blog over the last week. Wish I had a better excuse than the actual one. Which isn't really an excuse.
I had a few really, really tough days. I understand now that I should have blogged through it, after all, that's exactly why I started this thing. But, in an attempt to keep the "dark stuff" from ruining my happy little world here, I pulled away to avoid posting the truth....I really, really, really miss my son. It wasn't one little thing that pushed me over, just a culmination of things. I went to bed one night with a very specific image of Jack. I woke up with that image the next morning and it followed me the rest of my day.
Every time that I feel like I'm getting past the worst of it, it comes back and knocks me down...hard. It's like being on a rollercoaster only less exciting but just as nauseating. When it's bad it sneaks up so quickly. It catches me off guard and totally takes my breath away. I never quite know if it's going to go away or just stick around for the rest of the day.
Part of it may have been explained though....some of you know that I had two doctors appointments last week. In addition to seeing my OB/GYN I saw an endocrinologist. I was diagnosed a few years ago with a condition called PCOS, a disease that causes infertility in addition to some really fun hormonal issues. This was my first time seeing a doctor for it outside of trying to get pregnant. I wanted to get a handle on the hormone thing and get things balanced. Good thing I did. The doctor ordered some bloodwork and it turns out I also have hypothyroidism. Totally out of left field...
The more research I do the more it all fits together though. I have had a lot of the symptoms I just didn't realize it. Fatigue, weight gain, depression, etc. (Ok, that last one probably wasn't entirely the hypothyroidism...) It can even contribute to infertility, miscarriage and preterm labor. Hopefully by getting a handle on this we can help avoid any issues in the future. The solution is medicine that will hopefully even me out over the next few weeks. Not that this will make me all sunshine and rainbows again (um, like I ever really was) but hopefully with one less thing to deal with it will help.
I really just want to feel normal again. I want to be able to be around people and not have to worry about keeping my guard up so that I don't burst into tears at the wrong moment. I've had glimpses of it. Moments where I have felt "almost" myself again. I know that it might be a long way off if it's even obtainable but I really hope that some day I'll be able to achieve it. To have this horrible ache in my chest ease. To feel like a normal person instead of the mother that lost her son. I don't for a moment wish that I could erase the last 6 months though. I just wish that I was at the point where it doesn't hurt so much to think about him. I'm not 100% sure that I'll ever be there but I have to believe that with God's help I can find it. I don't have the strength to do it on my own.
Thankfully God has placed some amazing people in my life to help me through this. Thank you so much to everyone that has been there for me. That has listened to me, comforted me, loved on me and prayed for me. I appreciate it more than you know....
Saturday night in Chiang Mai
3 weeks ago