6 Months ago today I pulled my little girl up onto my lap and explained to her that her baby brother had gone to heaven. I answered her questions, held her while she cried, then took pictures as she opened her birthday presents. She then spent the rest of the day (her fourth birthday to be precise) with friends. I heard that she had a great time looking for butterflies at a local garden, but I'm sad that I wasn't there to see it myself. I wonder if this (or really anything else from the last 6 months) will scar her when she is older. She seems to be so well adjusted and just such a sweet little girl but I still worry.
Yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of the day Jack went to heaven. In 6 months he's been joined by a couple pretty special people. Even though I know that he is in great hands up there it is still so incredibly hard to be here without him. Our day started with an eventful trip to the pediatrician. Mackenzie had an ear infection and a pretty nasty cold :-( We picked up antibiotics, juice, snacks and of course doughnuts for breakfast then headed home to lounge in p.j.'s for the day. We spent the day watching disney movies (Up, Toy Story - twice and Elf - once and a half) and napping. (Sadly I did most of the napping - but still managed to get several loads of laundry done) I realized later that I was sleeping to avoid dealing with the day and what it meant. I was literally climbing into bed and pulling the covers over my head.
It wasn't until after she was in bed that I could actually let that wall down and deal. I won't say that it was pretty because it was far from it. It still hits me so hard sometimes that I can't breathe, but other times it's like life is returning to normal. The biggest thing I'm struggling with right now is how to move forward with our life while still grieving for Jack and remembering the past.
We're going through a study right now on the book of Ruth. (You can listen to it here: http://www.crosspointewinterpark.com/media/teachings/ ) Very challenging but at the same time hopeful. That's what I'm trying to focus on. In the midst of everything I feel like God has given us hope. The day that we went to that adoption seminar I felt like God had given us a glimpse of our future, the reassurance that He does have a plan for us. Most of all, he's given us hope. Not just about our short term future, but about our long term future as well. God has given us hope through His son Jesus who died on the cross to forgive our sins. That is what I try to focus on.
Thank you so much to everyone that has stood by us and supported us through everything. We have been so blessed by the people that God has placed in our lives and every day we thank Him for you all.
Saturday night in Chiang Mai
3 weeks ago