Not our baby...

When I got into the car this afternoon the song "God of This City" was on. It's a song that I have played on worship team several times before and it is one of my favorites. There is a part of it that goes like this:

You're the light in this darkness,
You're the hope to the hopeless,
You're the peace to the restless,
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come,
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come,
And greater things are still to be done in this City.

Those of you who know me on facebook already know that the birthparents changed their minds this morning and have decided to parent baby girl. For those of you worrying, take heart, I am not sobbing hysterically in a corner while rocking myself back and forth. Really, truly, honestly, I am ok. It must be all the prayers because I have really felt an overwhelming sense of peace over this situation. We knew going into adoption that nothing is settled until those papers are signed. Honestly, we never felt like this was our baby. I don't know exactly what caused that -- whether it was the awkward first meeting, the whirlwind of early labor or just that gut mommy feeling, but I just never felt like this was "IT".

Not to say that it isn't disappointing to be sitting at home empty-handed, but I know that baby girl is with her mama and that is where God wants her to be now. I have never (and will never) understand God's plan for my life, but I am comforted to know that He has written it and it is perfect. Our baby is out there and it just isn't ready for our family yet....or our family isn't ready for it yet. (We discovered through this "dry run" that we have a TON of stuff to get done before we are ready for baby!!!)

There is a tiny part of me that is a little relieved that things fell apart. It just didn't feel right. The match meeting didn't go well and I just didn't feel connected to them. I was hoping that we would have a great connection with the birthmom, and I just didn't feel that with her. Plus the way the labor went down just was not at all as we expected. So on that end, I'm glad that we get another chance to have those things work out for us.

Thank you so much to everyone for your thoughts, prayers and words of encouragements. I apologize if I don't get around to responding to all of your emails/posts/texts, but know that I have read them all and they are greatly appreciated.

So, we are back in the pool and waiting on baby again. Praying that our baby will be ready soon.

Post again soon,
~Jeny