So this has been an eventful week for me. I slayed a couple of really big dragons over the weekend. On Friday we went to a wedding at the church where we had Jack's service. It was both beautiful and very difficult at the same time. It took a tremendous amount of effort to even get out of the car. Fortunately there were a lot of people there from church that understood what was going on. Unfortunately there were also a lot of people who didn't know that were wondering "Who is that crazy lady? Why is she crying even though the ceremony hasn't started yet? Why does she look like she's going to bolt down the aisle at any moment?" (Answer to that last one is because I almost did)
The second really big dragon happened shortly after the first. I held a baby at the reception...yeah I know woah, big scary baby...no dagger-like claws, no sharpened teeth (yet)...but utterly terrifying just the same. As a general rule I have avoided babies for the past couple months because the thought of holding another baby terrifies me. I knew it would not be pretty and I was right. But once again, I was surrounded by people that I trusted and who really understood what a monumental moment this was for me (and I'm sure a couple people saying "Look, it's that crazy lady from the church").
This truly was a huge moment for me. One of the main things that has been bothering me (next to the obvious of course) was that I don't feel like the me I was before we lost Jack. The old me was drawn to babies. I loved to cuddle them, to hold them, to smell the soft fuzz of their hair and feel those tiny fingers curl around mine. I was terrified that that part of me would never come back, but there was a moment as I held that tiny little guy where I knew that my heart would heal. Probably never entirely and I know I'll always have a Jack sized scar there, but at least I know that parts of me will come back.
Through this whole journey God has been surrounding us by wonderfully supportive and encouraging people. I truly feel His reassurance during the times that are the hardest and it is His strength that I draw on.
Saturday night in Chiang Mai
3 weeks ago