Beta House and Christmas Pictures

What an incredible evening! If you’ve been hanging around here for awhile you’ve probably read about our trips to the Beta House. Last night we had dinner with them (Shepherd’s Pie) and took them a Christmas tree to decorate. We were also able to do pictures for the girls in front of the newly decorated Christmas tree. We decided to use this opportunity to have a family Christmas picture taken. Surprisingly I don’t think that we’ve ever had a family Christmas picture taken. Usually we put it off so long that we end up taking a last minute picture of Mackenzie to put on the Christmas card. Luckily they turned out really nice.

Of course we ended up with one shot that was the ultimate essence of Mackenzie.

Yup, that’s my kid!

Post again soon!
~Jeny

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was good. It was nice to have some time off with the family. I must say the highlight of the day was the black Friday shopping, which for the first time actually started on Thanksgiving (dislike!). We hit up Toys R Us and Target and I got most everything that was on my list. The only thing I had trouble finding was that darn Lalaloopsy doll! I hadn’t even heard of them before a couple weeks ago but now I was intent on finding one…apparently along with most of Central Florida! I really did not anticipate that they would be that difficult to find.

Toys R Us was out of them, Target was out of them, even the Toys R Us express was out of them. I was about to give up when the lady at TRU express suggested I order one online from their website. She even found it and ordered it for me, plus free shipping and delivered right to my door. Possibly the best deal I got all day (er…night….no by that time day again). Although they only had one type left I found out later it was exactly the one she wanted :-)

So basically my Christmas shopping is done. WooHoo!! I have a few little last things to pick up but for the most part it is done…another perk of black Friday shopping. Lights are on the house, Christmas tree is up and the latest “cold snap” definitely has me in the Christmas spirit.

Although I’m looking forward to Christmas, I’m also dreading it a little. Thanksgiving was a little more difficult than I had anticipated. It was most difficult reading all the things people were thankful for and being consumed with the one thing I was NOT thankful for. Yeah, yeah, I know…I should focus on what I am thankful for but I’m not quite there…yet. It’s something I’m working on…..

Post again soon,
~Jeny

Random Ramblings

It’s hard to believe that Thanksgiving is this week!! It really seems like it was just summer and already the end of the year is in sight. I have been working on our Christmas shopping list today. Mackenzie is proving hard to shop for because she has given so few clues as to what she would actually like. The first time I asked her what she wanted Santa to bring her she responded with “Whatever he wants to bring me is fine.” Wow, talk about the response that a parent really wants to hear!

After some close observation we finally came up with a few items to put on her wish list. Top of the list? Baby doll stuff of course! I must admit that shopping for Christmas is one of my most favorite activities of the year. Especially Black Friday shopping!! Yes, for those of you who are not familiar with the darker side of Jeny, I am one of “those people”. You know one of the crazy women that stand in line in the cold for hours just for the privilege of shopping with hundreds of other cranky tired obsessed parents looking for that one toy that their child just HAS to have! I go for an entirely different reason – it’s the same reason that I clip coupons and stalk grocery store circulars. It’s the thrill of the hunt. I just love looking at that receipt and seeing in black and white how much I’ve saved.

On the adoption front, this week was filled with doctor’s appointments and fingerprinting. The fingerprinting experience was interesting. I’ve been fingerprinted before but had to be re-fingerprinted for the agency. We are still working on our “homework packet”. We’re hoping to have all of that done and submitted soon despite the busy holiday season.

Also, we have added a “ChipIn” button on the right sidebar. This will give people the opportunity to contribute to the adoption fund if they feel called to do so. We are about 10% of the way to the total cost of adoption and about $7,100 from the point where we can start applying for grants. Thank you so much to everyone who has helped us get to the 10% mark!!

Post again soon!
~Jeny

Highs and Lows...

Today was a day of highs and lows. Some days still totally blindside me unfortunately. I was in church and halfway to my seat before I remembered why church was packed and there were an awful lot of babies there….

Oh right, the Baby Dedication was today…needless to say it did not go very well.

I managed to make it out of the room at least before losing it. After I pulled myself together I was able to watch from the connections café. I know it’s meant for crying babies but apparently it works well for crying mommies also. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t stop thinking about how we should have been up there with Jack, imagining how it would be if only things had gone differently. Needless to say it was NOT my favorite Sunday…

Since we had another fundraiser today DJ took Mackenzie to the Children’s Miracle Network Golf Tournament so that I could go hang out with some awesome ladies and do some Christmas shopping. Today was our Thirty-One Gifts fundraising party. Let me say if you have never been to a Thirty-One Gifts party, you definitely need to check it out! I had the hardest time trying to decide what to get…or should I say what NOT to get!! There was so much cute stuff to look through. I’d love to post all of the cute stuff that I ordered but most of it is meant for Christmas presents so it will have to wait :-) I am so incredibly thankful to Elizabeth for hosting the party and to our Thirty-One Gifts consultant Ashley Haley for so generously donating her commission from the party to the adoption fund.

Ashley has agreed to keep ordering for the party open until next Sunday so if you are looking for some super cute Christmas presents head on over to her website www.mythrityone.com/AshelyHaley/ . Just remember to select “Elizabeth Hood’s Party” when you checkout.

Post again soon!
~Jeny

Garage Sale....finally!

The garage sale was an incredible success! Thank you so much to everyone that helped out either by donating items, helping set up or by stopping by to show your support. We were wonderfully overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support that everyone has shown us.

We managed to sell most of what we had and raised an incredible $1,204.45 despite having the COLDEST day so far this “winter”. I hope to have pictures uploaded at some point, but sadly I’m notoriously bad at remembering to upload pictures. I hope to have more time to focus on little details like that now that the craziness of the garage sale is (mainly) behind us…

We had an eventful evening that night as well. Because the weather turned cold that weekend and she spent so much time running around outside Mackenzie landed in After Hours that night with a pretty severe asthma attack :-( She started vomiting in the evening from the strain on her stomach muscles and it got so bad that she wasn’t able to keep anything down. At After Hours they gave her some additional breathing medicine along with steroids to help her breathing, some zofran to settle her stomach and some i.v. fluids to keep her from getting dehydrated. We spent most of the next day lounging on the couch and watching every Disney movie in our collection. After a couple days she was back to normal and thankfully is now doing great.

We are continuing to plan fundraising events. Our next fundraising opportunity is actually happening tomorrow…or rather later today by the time I will get this posted! One of our friends is hosting a Thirty-One Gifts party and the consultant has generously offered to donate her commission to the adoption fund. If you’re interested in ordering but aren’t able to make it to the event, you can take a peek and order online at www.mythirtyone.com/AshleyHaley/ . Check out the catalog and remember to select “Elizabeth Hood’s Party” at checkout.

We had a really wonderful experience today. We attended a family picnic that was thrown by the adoption agency that we are working with. It was a really amazing opportunity to meet some other families that have gone through the adoption process and also other families that are going through the process. It was great to talk to other adoptive parents and hear some about their journeys. It also continued to confirm for us that this is truly where God is calling us right now. I think the intent of the picnic was lost on Mackenzie though. At one point she pointed toward the church building we were next to and asked if we got the babies inside. It took a couple tries but I finally convinced her that we would not be bringing home a baby that day. I’m always amazed at the stuff that kid comes up with!

Post again soon!
Jeny

Update

Wow, I just realized how long it has been since I last blogged. Sorry!!! We have had a super busy couple weeks. I had a cold last week, but luckily (??) I was the only one in the family to get it. Oh and did I mention that my house has been overrun by garage sale stuff!?! (I think it multiplies while we’re sleeping!) I have been tagging, cleaning and sorting like a mad woman not to mention putting my friends to work as well. (Love you guys!!!) I am so incredibly thankful to everyone that has donated items though!!! We have TONS of stuff looking for new homes. I’m putting together a list of some of the items that we have for those of you who will be stopping by. Tons of kid/baby stuff, clothes, toys, tools and random household items, etc.

Outside of the garage sale event, things are running as normal. We’ve been really busy, but that’s pretty normal for this time of year. Mackenzie has finally decided on being a cowgirl for Halloween. Luckily the costume is super easy and we have only needed to buy the boots. Can’t wait to see her all dressed up!! Still haven’t decided what we’re doing for Halloween, but I’m sure collecting candy will be in there somewhere.

We took Mackenzie to SeaWorld on Sunday for their trick or treat thing with our friends. The girls had so much fun!! Mackenzie wore her Dorothy costume from last year. We saw at least 4 other Dorothys. It was nice to get out there again. We bought 2 year passes a few months ago and have only been once since we bought them. We didn’t see any shows but it was still nice to get out. Mackenzie rode her first roller coaster! It was Journey to Atlantis which is one of those boat drop rides. (Sorry, best description I got!) She really enjoyed it but ended up with a black eye from bonking her cheek on the lap bar. Yup, it’s just a lovely little bruise and two of her preschool workers have asked about it. Luckily they have seen my child in action on the playground and understand that she is a magnet for bumps, bruises and scrapes!

Well, my news box is empty, Post again soon (I PROMISE!!!)
~Jeny

Blog Additions and Facebook Page

Ok, so hopefully you guys like some of the changes that I’ve made to the blog to kind of spiff it up a little. I have added some page links on the left that run down our story and also our adoption timeline as well. I’ll probably add a page for our fundraisers and sponsors at some point also, but one thing at a time.

I have also created a facebook page specifically for the adoption. This is not because I don’t want to have adoption stuff on our personal page, but this will allow people to share information with others who aren’t our “friends” yet. Also, it’ll be easier to get out information only to the people who are interested in helping without overwhelming everyone else.

Big thank you for today’s donations!! My hairdresser Jillian and her co-worker Jackie donated 2 gift certificates for haircuts. We will be using these in one of the upcoming raffles. So thankful for their support!

Everything else is starting to come together for the garage sale. No set place yet for it to be held, but we are definitely going for November 6th. I have put out a few flyers for donations; one at Mackenzie’s school and one at my salon. Hopefully that will bring in some more donations and also some interest for the actual sale.

One of our friend’s from church Elizabeth is hosting a Thirty-One Gifts party for us on November 14th. Her friend Ashley is a consultant and has graciously offered to donate her commission from the party to the adoption fund. We will also be raffling off some items and I believe Ashley will have some product door prizes as well. The Thirty-One Gifts party should be a great opportunity for some shopping and great fellowship with friends before the holiday season kicks off. They offer a lot of really great products that make perfect Christmas presents. Anything that is ordered at the party should be delivered before Christmas. (I plan on doing some present shopping as well :-) You can take a look at their products here: http://www.thirtyonegifts.com/catalog.htm. Let me know if you are interested in attending or placing an order.

Homework packet is coming along. I am focusing on my self-study now. Let me tell you it is some pretty heavy stuff! I’m trying to take it just one or two questions a day. The really difficult thing is that they ask that you not talk to your spouse about the questions before you answer them. Really difficult since I usually bounce stuff off of DJ, especially if I’m not sure of how to word something. It makes perfect sense though so I’ll plod on alone.

If I could take a quick moment to praise God over the amazing weather that we are having!!! There is very little that is more glorious that Florida in the “fall”. Beautiful sunny days and the temperature is just perfect.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Jeny

Coffee and t-shirts and candy....Oh My!!

So I've been researching fund-raising ideas and I'm totally overwhelmed by how many options are out there!! I found a pretty interesting one though at www.147millionorphans.com . It's a ministry that helps raise awareness about orphans and also helps families raising money for their own adoptions. The shirts are really cool and their mission is incredibly moving. If you have a chance to head over and check it out, let me know what you think. We'd have to sell at least 20 shirts/necklaces in order to participate so let me know if you think you'd be interested in getting one.

Plans for the garage sale continue. We already have our guest room partially full and have a few more people promising donations. We're still working on a place to hold it. Our neighborood is tucked back off of the main road so we're trying to find something with a little more traffic. Please get in touch with me if you have any items you would like to donate.

Two other fund-raisers we are working on are a spaghetti dinner and a poker tournament. Those will probably have to wait until December, January or even Feburary though. Still it feels like things are starting to move along. It's still a little overwhelming when I look over at the little widget on the side. (Did you notice the fancy new thermometer??) Can't wait to watch that start to move up! :-)

I'll post again soon!
~Jeny

Homework!

The homework packet has arrived!! DJ called me at lunch and let me know the envelope had arrived. (Longest afternoon ever!) We had 2 things to sign and return immediately but the rest needs to be completed and returned together once everything is done. There is a lot of stuff in there! The most daunting is an 8 page personal study. We read through the questions and they are not easy surface questions - they are in-depth bear-your-soul questions. Hopefully we can get these done fairly quickly and be ready for the next step...the "first meeting".

Not entirely sure what happens at the "first meeting" but I do know that we will need to present them with the first of several large checks. Knowing that we are just a handful (more accurately stack full) of pieces of paper away from it being really real. Wow, it got just a little overwhelming for a bit....better now :@) We have stepped out in faith trusting that since God is calling us here than he will provide.

On that note, the plans for the fund-raising garage sale are coming along nicely. It got pretty big pretty quickly so we are scouting out an alternative site for the sale. This may also involve moving the garage sale to a weekend in November. I'll keep everyone posted as soon as I know more details.

So excited!!!

~Jeny

Step One - Check!

So our formal application for adoption has been mailed! WooHoo!!! (Feel free to do a happy dance since that’s what I’ve been doing since yesterday!) It feels so amazing/awesome/exciting/terrifying to be taking this first step towards our adoption dreams.

I was just a tad OCD with the actual mailing of the envelope though. Since there were a lot of pages to mail and I only had a regular sized envelope I taped it... very well…. then it seemed heavey so I put extra stamps on it. Since it was raining that morning I did not want to leave it in our mailbox so I decided to take it to work and mail it on my lunch break. Instead of leaving it in the car or in my purse I left it on my desk… so I could keep a close eye on it – in case it ran away or something??? (This was after parading it around the office and showing it off to co-workers “in the know”) As I was driving to the post office it occurred to me that I should probably make sure that it got there especially since there was a check inside. I filled out one of those little green return receipt cards and waited in line. The nice post lady had me fill out another little green sticker for the front. Then she stamped the front and added more postage. With the large green card now taped to the back my nice neat little envelope was starting to look well secured and a little cluttered. Oh well, at least I would know that it made it there. (Which it did – I know this because I looked it up online on the USPS website this afternoon!) My only concern now is that they will take one look at the envelope and instantly decide that they have no desire to work with “those kind of people”.

Now we sit and wait for the giant stack of paperwork to come in the mail. In it will be all kinds of fun stuff like background checks, fingerprinting instructions and an extremely in depth personal study. As I wait for that to come in the mail and for our agency assigned social worker to call, I have begun to address the next hurdle….money. We took this first step towards adoption trusting that as God has called us to adopt that He will also provide the funds needed. Since I’m fairly sure He isn’t going to just drop a wad of cash in our mailbox, we need to get cracking on some serious fund-raising.

**This is where I need your help**

My previous knowledge of fund-raising involves a seriously failed lemonade stand, an equally failed home car wash and of course the infamous Entertainment books. Since this isn’t a “normal” fund raiser we need to think outside of the box. I have already enlisted the help of a BFF who has awesome fund-raising skills but we need some out-of-the-box ideas to help out.
Any ideas or suggestions that you guys have would be vastly appreciated.

The one idea that we are running with initially is a fund-raising garage sale. If you have any items that you would like to get rid of and are willing to donate please let me know. I’m hoping to have everything ready for the weekend of October 23^rd. Also, if you’d like to volunteer to come keep me company that day you are welcome to do that as well :-)

Thank you to everyone that has supported us and prayed for us. It is greatly appreciated!

~Jeny

Stressin'

Well, the formal application is completed, signed and ready to mail (along with the first of many checks with a scary number of zeros on it!). We are just working on the last piece of the puzzle, our personal statements of faith. Since we are adopting from a faith based agency they require a personally written statement explaining your walk with God, personal story and your general thoughts on Christianity and Jesus. Despite the calm reassurance from the nice lady at the adoption agency ("Don't lose sleep over it, just write what you feel like sharing.") I am still stressing more than I should about this.

Maybe it's the fact that this piece of paper will join our "permanent adoption file" and will be read by everyone that we deal with at the agency.
What if it sounds stupid?
What if my grammar is wrong?
What if they read it and say "Wow, these people have no clue what they're talking about-they certainly don't deserve a baby!"?

See what I mean? I have the feeling I am seriously overthinking this! I know that I need to let go because this is just the beginning of the questions and quite frankly the judging that we will have to face in the next few months. At first I was kind of offended that there will be a group of people who will be responsible for determining if we are fit to parent a stranger's child.

Then I started to think about it from the other side. What if I was a birth mom who had made the absolute most selfless decision in the world by giving my child to another family to be raised? Wouldn't I want to know that these people were capable, and moral and loving? While it doesn’t ease all of the anxieties, it does help to remember why all the questions are important.

We hope to have everything ready to be mailed tomorrow. Even though we know that God is calling us to adopt it is still scary and a little overwhelming to think of everything that will be happening in the months to come. Please continue to pray for us as we take this incredible step of faith.

6 Months

6 Months ago today I pulled my little girl up onto my lap and explained to her that her baby brother had gone to heaven. I answered her questions, held her while she cried, then took pictures as she opened her birthday presents. She then spent the rest of the day (her fourth birthday to be precise) with friends. I heard that she had a great time looking for butterflies at a local garden, but I'm sad that I wasn't there to see it myself. I wonder if this (or really anything else from the last 6 months) will scar her when she is older. She seems to be so well adjusted and just such a sweet little girl but I still worry.

Yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of the day Jack went to heaven. In 6 months he's been joined by a couple pretty special people. Even though I know that he is in great hands up there it is still so incredibly hard to be here without him. Our day started with an eventful trip to the pediatrician. Mackenzie had an ear infection and a pretty nasty cold :-( We picked up antibiotics, juice, snacks and of course doughnuts for breakfast then headed home to lounge in p.j.'s for the day. We spent the day watching disney movies (Up, Toy Story - twice and Elf - once and a half) and napping. (Sadly I did most of the napping - but still managed to get several loads of laundry done) I realized later that I was sleeping to avoid dealing with the day and what it meant. I was literally climbing into bed and pulling the covers over my head.

It wasn't until after she was in bed that I could actually let that wall down and deal. I won't say that it was pretty because it was far from it. It still hits me so hard sometimes that I can't breathe, but other times it's like life is returning to normal. The biggest thing I'm struggling with right now is how to move forward with our life while still grieving for Jack and remembering the past.

We're going through a study right now on the book of Ruth. (You can listen to it here: http://www.crosspointewinterpark.com/media/teachings/ ) Very challenging but at the same time hopeful. That's what I'm trying to focus on. In the midst of everything I feel like God has given us hope. The day that we went to that adoption seminar I felt like God had given us a glimpse of our future, the reassurance that He does have a plan for us. Most of all, he's given us hope. Not just about our short term future, but about our long term future as well. God has given us hope through His son Jesus who died on the cross to forgive our sins. That is what I try to focus on.

Thank you so much to everyone that has stood by us and supported us through everything. We have been so blessed by the people that God has placed in our lives and every day we thank Him for you all.

~Jeny

Fallout!

Wow, so we are now offically dealing with the fallout from vacation. (We arrived home safely by the way - very late, very tired, but safe) All of the laundry has been done (thanks to my wonderful hubby!) but there is still tons to put away. Instead of continuing to unpack and set things to rights I figured I would do what I normally do when trying to avoid responsibility....I'll blog.

The house may be on it's way to being set to rights, but the occupants are not. We are dealing with the concequences of taking an extended vacation - busy at work and a 4-year-old who is not readjusting. Mackenzie has decided that she would prefer to continue sleeping wherever we are instead of in her big girl bed. I can understand why she has come to this decision but what I have not figured out is the best way to ease her back into her routine. We are trying to stay strong and maintain the sleep-in-your-own-bed-at-home guidelines but that did not prevent me from waking up with a kid curled up at my feet like a puppy this morning. Tonight was even worse. She refused to allow daddy to put her to bed and had an all out fit when he had to carry her to her room.

I know that I need to continue to stay strong, but it is difficult in the face of this radically different behavior. (We may have tantrums but very rarely if ever have we had the hysterics that we had tonight.) Anyway, what I tried tonight (after we finally got her into bed and calmed down) was tucking her in then setting the kitchen timer for 5 mins at which point I went back to check on her. Cuddled for a bit then back out and timer again at which point she was asleep. I think it worked for tonight and hopefully will hold out for tomorrow as well.

My question is this: Moms (and Dads) how do you handle bedtime tantrums?

Can't wait to read your advice!

~Jeny

Not Me! Monday – The Vacation Edition!

I did NOT have to convince Mackenzie that although we were in the mountains it was still summer and no, it was not going to snow….no, seriously Mackenzie, It’s NOT going to snow.

I did NOT forget to buckle my kid back in after a potty break. I was NOT sitting in the passenger seat buckled, ready to leave and staring expectantly at hubby wondering why he wasn’t moving the car yet. Yup, that’s right this time hubby was the responsible one NOT me!

I did NOT have the following phrases come out of my mouth:
~Let go of the puppy’s face
~Stop licking mommy’s face, yourself, the car, etc.
~Stop throwing rocks at the fish, at the trees, off the mountain, etc.

I did NOT hear the following words come out of my daughter’s mouth:
~“God Bless America”…every time we passed a flag…yup, every single time…
~"Mommy, I’m ready to go home so I can go back to school….because I miss my boyfriend."
~"Mommy, look there’s slobber on my face, that’s so hilarious…"

I did NOT eat an entire cow worth of beef jerky…wow…yeah I really admitted that. Can’t help that, jerky is my weakness…

I did NOT allow my husband to buy large quantities of fireworks most likely deemed illegal in our home state…I’m definitely NOT planning a rockin’ New Year’s Eve party to “dispose” of said fireworks.

I did NOT allow my daughter to play in red river clay in a white skirt. I mean I knew we were going to walk to the river and she would probably get muddy, but I did NOT put two and two together on that one…Thank heavens for bleach!!

I did NOT get woken this morning with “Guess what mommy, we go home today! Hooray!!” Yup, someone was NOT excited to get home.

I did NOT turn 30…nope sadly that one happened…

Can’t wait to hear what you guys were NOT up to this week!

~Jeny

I have NOT...

Fallen off the face of the earth...or off the side of a mountain.
We are on Day 7 of our vacation and I have literally hundreds of photos to sort through and eventually post. (Key word is eventually!) We have wandered our way into the Great Smokey Mountains and will be leaving tomorrow morning and heading to stay with family in Eastern North Carolina.
I am journaling through our journey and hope to have a blog posted after we get back that will walk through our trip. But in the mean time I am just entirely too tired to be clever.
Post again soon,
~Jeny

Not Me! Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! Hope you enjoy all the things that I did NOT do this week…and last.

I did NOT message my husband on Facebook from the living room simply to tell him that I was going to bed. Nope, NOT me, I’m really not that lazy….I mean I’m a little lazy, but in my defense it is really, really far from our living room ALL the way to the home office…no? Not buying it? Yup, I guess I am that lazy…

I was NOT excited when my walk was rained out and I was forced (against my will of course) to instead spend hours in the bookstore torturing myself by perusing hundreds of books, drinking coffee and talking with a good friend. Yeah, I did NOT enjoy that AT ALL!

I did NOT spend $60 on books and a new bible cover at said bookstore despite the imposed spending freeze and overall budget deficit. Nope, NOT me, I’m way more responsible than that.

I did NOT hear the words “That’s not fair! I never get to do anything that I want!” come out of my 4-year-old’s mouth. I did NOT respond with my first instinct which was to laugh, reply “Ha, you think it’s bad now, just wait?” and send her to her room.

I did NOT botch my first approach to the adoption conversation with Mackenzie by not clarifying that a new baby would join our family….NOT that she would join another family. Yeah, it did NOT take me 2 days to figure out that’s why she looked horrified at mommy’s description of what adoption was. Yup….NOT my finest mommy moment…really…really…NOT…

We were NOT the oldest people in the theater for a recently released vampire parody. Seriously, that other couple didn’t count…yeah ’cause they were there with their teen. I did NOT run into the lady that runs my daughter’s preschool and have to explain to her what movie I had chosen to see with my coveted parent’s night out. Yeah, it was NOT horribly embarrassing.

Can’t wait to hear what you guys did NOT do this week!

~Jeny

Um...is it Monday yet!?!?!

Ok, I’m not going to lie, this was a very tough weekend for me. If you paged over in hopes of reading some more fluff or possibly even an early Not Me! Monday! – you should run…now…

I should preface this though by saying that although it was a very challenging weekend it was (as I usually discover) also a very reassuring and strengthening weekend…more on that later.

So we have had certain tasks that we’ve known were coming and certain activities that we knew we would have to participate in eventually. I just had no idea we would get so many in one weekend.

We heard on Friday that our good friends from church were in the hospital with preterm labor. She was 32 weeks which isn’t nearly as early as Jack, but still early enough to be concerning. After some internal debate (and many prayers for strength) I decided that I would visit with them Saturday morning, not realizing until I got there that she had delivered overnight. Luckily both mom and baby are doing well. Although it was very difficult to be there and it brought back lots of painful memories it was also very rewarding to be able to be there for them. The world of emergency c-sections and premature babies in NICU is very scary and I’m thankful for the chance to help in any way I can.

Saturday night brought some great time with some of my good girl friends getting prepared for another good friend’s baby shower and just hanging out. It was really good to hang out with them and have a little down time.

After church this morning I had another challenge to face. I had a deep freezer full of breast milk that needed to find a good home. Luckily my friend Adrienne knows a wonderful mom who is in the process of adopting a little girl who was also born at 24 weeks…it just seemed fitting that she take it. After loading 3 (yes 3!!) coolers with milk, she shared her family’s story and I felt so blessed to be able to share this gift with her. Although it was probably the most difficult thing I have done since losing Jack, it was also incredibly comforting to know that it was going to someone who would truly appreciate it. I am truly grateful to know that it is going to nourish a very special little girl. (I am also very, very grateful that I had a rock strong shoulder to lean on – thank you Adi!!)

While I would have loved nothing more than to curl up in bed and hide, it was time to go to a baby shower - my first since Jack. Although it was also difficult to be in that cutesy-baby-charged-oh-so-overly-happy environment, I was very glad that I was able to spend time with a great momma to help her celebrate her newest little miracle-to-be.

In addition to all this, did I mention that I was on Worship Team this morning for church? That was incredibly rewarding also. I love music and being able to be that involved in worship was amazing. I’m also glad to know that years of scratching away on the violin were not spent in vain :-)

So, I must admit that I am a little proud of myself for managing all of this. It was really difficult to go through these challenges but it’s incredible to be reassured over and over again of God’s incredible strength and power.

Thank you Lord for strengthening me through these challenges and allowing me to bless others.

~Jeny

Fluff

Wow….so many things to blog about I don’t even know where to start…

Ok, fluffy stuff first. We threw a birthday party for me and my two best friends Liz and Sandra on Saturday. Sandra and I are turning….um… 29-ish. (Liz still has a year to catch up – but it’s comin’ for you too girl :-). We had a really awesome time. It was so great to see everyone there and to get a chance to just hang out and talk. It’s hard to believe that I’m turning 30 in a little over a week. Just 2 months ago that number really scared me. I remember June 29th realizing that I was going to be 30 in just 2 months and absolutely losing it. I think because on my last birthday we had just found out we were pregnant a few days earlier and were on this incredible trip through Virginia and Maryland with our little growing family. It seemed like we had everything that we had dreamt about having and 30 really didn’t seem so scary.

What a difference 10 months made….

What a difference 2 months makes…

Today 30 doesn’t seem so tough. Yeah its rough seeing your youth slowly slip away and constantly being called ma’am (oh, and sending your kid to VPK…more on that later) but I’m today I’m feeling okay. I feel like we understand what God is calling us to do right now and that gives us something to focus on outside of ourselves; something to help us remember that we were put here for something bigger than ourselves and our “plan” for our lives. God has a plan for our lives that we don’t understand yet…and probably won’t ever fully understand.

Wow, that got pretty “un-fluffy” fast….on to fluffier topics. I realize that I missed a Not Me! Monday. I apologize deeply for this. I swear to make up for it this Monday because man I did some bizarre things this week. I also had to send my kid to VPK this week. Granted she is going to the same school she went to last week, but it’s a MUCH bigger classroom…and they have bugs…and HOMEWORK! Seriously!?! Do 4 year-year-olds need homework? I think not.

Mackenzie handled the transition well. Mommy did ok…a few tears but for the most part I am really excited about everything that she will be learning this year getting ready for kindergarten next year. (Yeah, not gonna lie, that one will be rough for me!)

On the adoption front we are still praying through this and watching all the different ways that God continues to affirm that this is in His plan for us. We will be working on the formal application here shortly but we are still many months away from any real movement on that front. Please keep praying for us that God will continue to affirm this decision.

Anyway, my news box is empty but I promise to post again soon.

~Jeny

Where You lead, we will follow....

I had some very grandiose plans about creating a “mini-series” on my blog laying out our options and analyzing the best next step for our family….blah…blah…blah… It hadn’t happened yet because I figured I had plenty of time….What’s that phrase “When men plan, God laughs”? Something like that…

Saturday changed everything for us. We went to an informational meeting for a local faith-based adoption agency. Originally we hadn’t put much hope into it as an option but were looking more for an overview of the whole process. We had thought that if we did go the adoption route that we would probably go through the state foster/adopt process….again see above quote.

Before we went in I prayed that if this was where we needed to be that God would let us know….and boy did He! It truly felt as though every word they spoke was intended directly for us. The couple things that we had been hesitant about were entirely put to rest. I wrote in an earlier blog that “Hopefully when we’re ready to take the next step God will lead us in the right direction”. It’s amazing to see that actually play out so vividly. It will still be a few months before we even get the ball rolling, but we are both really excited about where God is leading us.

Thank you guys so much for all your prayers and support!!

Not Me! Monday! - The Silly Bandz edition!

It's another Not me! Monday!! Hope you enjoy! Visit MckMama for other un-confessions.

I did NOT get mildly excited when Silly Bandz finally descended on our home…until the bag was opened and 1 million tiny plastic glow-in-the-dark zoo animals exploded in my living room.

I did NOT compare Silly Bandz with a co-worker in the breakroom at work. Nope, not me, those things are for kids, right??

I did NOT have to resist the urge to sift through the neighbors recycling bin in search of just one more glass jar for my next project…calm down, I didn’t actually do it….I promise!

I did NOT allow my daughter to have princess fruit snacks before breakfast. Some of you may recognize this, no I did not re-use this only to have something to fill space, I actually did this again. Yeah, I need to stock better breakfast foods…

I did NOT give away so many samples of homemade laundry soap that I needed to make more. I did NOT make 2 batches only to realize that I gave away most of those also. (I was NOT just a little excited about that since it means I make some more :-)

Can't wait to hear yours!

Today I ran....

Sometime it is so overwhelming just how heavy this ache is for Jack. It’s still so difficult to believe that he is actually gone. There is a song by Matthew West that really captures how it feels. The opening lines are:

Don’t be mad if I cry,
It just hurt so much sometimes
‘Cause everyday it‘s sinking in
And I have to say good bye all over again.

That’s how it feels. Every day I come to terms with it all over again. Every day has its battles. Sometimes I win and I’m able to remember God’s promise that through the sacrifice of His son on the cross, I will be with mine again…

Other days (ahem, should we just say today??) aren’t quite so easy. It’s amazing how quickly your day can unravel. I’ve never been one to run, I’ve always faced things head on; dealt with them as they have come.

Today I ran…and I am NOT proud of that. I hated the way I felt as I tucked my tail between my legs and admitted that today I just could not be a productive member of society. I could not sit at my desk and pretend to be normal when my heart was breaking….correction…is broken. The thought of people witnessing my pain was simply too much to bear.

So I came home, curled up on the couch (That is of course after I screamed myself hoarse in the car…something I recommend for the stress relief but not so much for the headache that follows) and hid myself from the world.

Today I ran…I realized something as I ran though, it doesn’t matter how fast or how far you run it’s still there…the ache, the pain, the sorrow. Whatever burden you are carrying is still there. The answer was there though, right in my face. Something I have heard a thousand times before and have repeated a thousand times. God is bigger than our problems. He is bigger than our pain, our sorrow, our anger.

Um, duh!! I had forgotten that nothing I have comes from me. The strength I had yesterday to face my problems was still there, I had just forgotten to ask for it. In the chaos and panic of trying to "get through it" I had forgotten to run to God.

Through Him I will find strength. Through Him I will find peace. Through Him I will find salvation.

Today, I ran… sometimes you just have to.

Not Me! Monday!

Without further ado, here is all the stuff I did NOT do this week….oh, and last week too :)

I did NOT search all week for my bible only to find it in the exact same spot my husband told me to look…um on Monday. Nope, NOT me, I value my husband’s opinion…really I do!

I did NOT have to tell my kid to stop kicking herself in the head….at a table…in a restaurant…Seriously!?!?! Where does she get this from??? NOT me!! I did NOT have to follow her response with a “Because we just don’t kick ourselves in the head” Luckily the guy sitting directly behind her did NOT laugh hysterically…Nope, NOT me….NOT my kid!

I did NOT wake up at 5am one morning to realize that I was lying (rather uncomfortably) on top of a hot pink and magenta My Little Pony (named Ashley). Nope, NOT me. After all, our bedroom is our sanctuary. No toys in there just peaceful grown-up serenity.

(I did NOT just double over laughing at the thought of actually having “peaceful grown-up serenity”. I mean seriously who has that….ok that doesn’t have kids???)

I did NOT get ridiculously excited because there were extra coupons in the Sunday paper. I mean seriously, I’m NOT that big of a dork….am I???

Can’t wait to hear all the things you guys did NOT do this week!

Ok, so some of you have noticed the silence of the blog over the last week. Wish I had a better excuse than the actual one. Which isn't really an excuse.

I had a few really, really tough days. I understand now that I should have blogged through it, after all, that's exactly why I started this thing. But, in an attempt to keep the "dark stuff" from ruining my happy little world here, I pulled away to avoid posting the truth....I really, really, really miss my son. It wasn't one little thing that pushed me over, just a culmination of things. I went to bed one night with a very specific image of Jack. I woke up with that image the next morning and it followed me the rest of my day.

Every time that I feel like I'm getting past the worst of it, it comes back and knocks me down...hard. It's like being on a rollercoaster only less exciting but just as nauseating. When it's bad it sneaks up so quickly. It catches me off guard and totally takes my breath away. I never quite know if it's going to go away or just stick around for the rest of the day.

Part of it may have been explained though....some of you know that I had two doctors appointments last week. In addition to seeing my OB/GYN I saw an endocrinologist. I was diagnosed a few years ago with a condition called PCOS, a disease that causes infertility in addition to some really fun hormonal issues. This was my first time seeing a doctor for it outside of trying to get pregnant. I wanted to get a handle on the hormone thing and get things balanced. Good thing I did. The doctor ordered some bloodwork and it turns out I also have hypothyroidism. Totally out of left field...

The more research I do the more it all fits together though. I have had a lot of the symptoms I just didn't realize it. Fatigue, weight gain, depression, etc. (Ok, that last one probably wasn't entirely the hypothyroidism...) It can even contribute to infertility, miscarriage and preterm labor. Hopefully by getting a handle on this we can help avoid any issues in the future. The solution is medicine that will hopefully even me out over the next few weeks. Not that this will make me all sunshine and rainbows again (um, like I ever really was) but hopefully with one less thing to deal with it will help.

I really just want to feel normal again. I want to be able to be around people and not have to worry about keeping my guard up so that I don't burst into tears at the wrong moment. I've had glimpses of it. Moments where I have felt "almost" myself again. I know that it might be a long way off if it's even obtainable but I really hope that some day I'll be able to achieve it. To have this horrible ache in my chest ease. To feel like a normal person instead of the mother that lost her son. I don't for a moment wish that I could erase the last 6 months though. I just wish that I was at the point where it doesn't hurt so much to think about him. I'm not 100% sure that I'll ever be there but I have to believe that with God's help I can find it. I don't have the strength to do it on my own.

Thankfully God has placed some amazing people in my life to help me through this. Thank you so much to everyone that has been there for me. That has listened to me, comforted me, loved on me and prayed for me. I appreciate it more than you know....

~Jeny

Thank You!!

A HUGE thank you to everyone that posted, texted, emailed, facebooked, etc... Thank you for your honest and insightful opinions. I loved reading what you guys would do, especially since the responses covered pretty much the entire spectrum.

I'd love to be able to tell you that we have it all figured out now, but that decision will be a long time coming. For the most part, I'm ok with that. I've never really had a time in my life where I haven't had a plan, but right now we're just "letting it ride"... This is both incredibly freeing and also utterly terrifying! I'm working very hard at truly trusting God through this and I'll admit that it isn't always easy for me.

A couple of you hit on some interesting points that DJ and I have been discussing as our "options". I'll have some more posts up in the next week or so that will share our thoughts on these matters and also allow you guys to speak into the situation. (Again, your honesty is truly appreciated and I will never be offended by anyone's honest opinion on the subject at hand, as long as you guys promise not be offended that DJ and I will ultimately make the decision we feel is God is leading us towards.)

Thank you for your posts, support and frankly just for reading this. I started this blog mainly as a way to get my feelings sorted out but I am truly happy that you guys are enjoying it :-)

~Jeny

p.s. Not me! Monday will return next week, I promise :-)

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What would YOU do???

***Disclaimer - this post may be TMI for some of you, but as I've never been known to keep it in, here it is. I promise not to be too graphic :-)***

As some of you may know, I had a pretty important dr's appointment on Monday....yeah, I know it's already Wednesday and I'm just now getting around to posting about it but eh, I've been busy. The subject of this appointment was my (ok, OUR) reproductive future. We wanted to get an idea of what we would be dealing with if we decide to have another baby. There are other options, but those will keep for another post.

First of all, Dr. D had a diagnosis... I have an incompetent cervix.... Seriously!?! Who are you calling incompetent!?! Those of you who know me, know that word kills me! Basically, the cervix has one main job, keep the baby in...which mine did not do. (Click on the link above if you'd like more info) Dr D said that it's pretty rare given my history and the fact that there was no discernable cause, but without precautions there is a strong possibility it will fail again.

Given that, he does feel confident that with the proper precautions we will be able to have a successful pregnancy. However, nobody said those precautions would be easy...

The first precaution would be frequent visits to both him and the high risk obstetrics doctors. Most likely office visits every couple weeks and more frequent ultrasounds. (Extra pictures of the baby? Heck yeah, sign me up!) Read into this additional time off of work...bank account doesn't like that!!

The second precaution would be a "simple" procedure called a cerclage, which is basically a stitch to keep the cervix closed. This would be done between 13-15 weeks and would remain in place until I deliver (ideally-a scheduled c-section at 37 weeks). The risks associated with a cerclage are relatively low but the success rate when elective can be between 80%-90%.

The third precaution is probably the most...um...concerning (you could also substitute the words inconvenient, annoying, life-altering, money-draining or just plain pain-in-the-a$$). Bedrest. Dr D said that at the first sign of anything abnormal during the pregnancy, I would be placed on bedrest. He did mention that this could start as soon as the cerclage was placed. Now, I can do math and that could possibly equate to up to 24 weeks of bed rest. I did 6 days of bedrest with Jack and it was incredibly difficult (and boring). (Read into this that I would NOT be paid for this "vacation" from work.)

Dr D said the physically we should be ok to start trying again in another 6 months (hard to believe that it's already been 6 months since God brought Jack into our lives). Emotionally ready is an entirely different story. We don't know yet what our future holds as far as expanding our family. We are doing a lot of praying over our options and are trying to stay open to God's plan for our family. I think we both feel that our family is not complete but we just don't know yet what the next step will be. Hopefully when we are ready to take the next step God will have lead us in the right direction.

This leads to an interesting question that I would like to pose to all of you. What would you do??? Knowing the risks (preterm labor, weeks in the NICU, miscarriage, etc.) and the potential precautions (inconveniences). What would you do?? Notice I'm not asking if you would endure these if you were already pregnant, but would you intentionally put yourself in this situation?? Feel free to comment here (you can comment anonymously), on Facebook or just send me a message. I won't be offended if you tell me I'm crazy for even considering this, and understand that when push comes to shove, DJ and I will make the decision we feel is best for our family. That being said, I really would appreciate everyone's honest opinion on this.

Thank you guys for listening and I'm so glad that you guys are reading and enjoying my outlook on life :-)

~Jeny

Not Me! Monday!

Sorry I missed last week, not that I didn't do anything worth fessing up to, just none of it was funny. Original concept from Mckmama.

I did NOT allow my child to have princess fruit snacks for breakfast....well, technically with breakfast...but still, totally NOT me....

I did NOT unthinkingly blurt out "Oooo, THAT cow's a boy!" in front of my 4-year old only to stammer over an explanation that didn't involve the words "testicles", "balls" or "hanging". I certainly did NOT have hurry past said cow to avoid said "unmentionables" being noticed.

I did NOT buy a giant red pickle bucket with the intention of making homemade laundry soap in it only to get it home and realize that since it was a used pickle bucket it smelled...well....like pickles.

I did NOT get so excited with the above mentioned homemade laundry soap that I proceeded to wash everything in the house... only to realize that once washed they would need to be dried, then folded and put away... duh. I most certainly am NOT sitting in between mountains of this (unfolded) laundry as I post this. Nope, not me...I fold everything immediately out of the dryer.

Hope you enjoyed my un-confessions. Feel free to share what you did NOT do this week.

~Jeny

What's cooking in Jeny's kitchen...

If you guessed homemade laundry soap, you'd be correct! I'd been contemplating trying it out for a couple weeks now and since we were dangerously close to running out of detergent I figured ready or not, it was gonna happen. There are lots of recipes out there but the one I used I found on another blog: Raising Olives.

Although the begining was a little scary,

(You'll notice that the pretty red pickle bucket is absent from subsequent photos. This is due to the fact that since it is a $2 pickle bucket it smelled....well, like a $2 pickle bucket. Should have thought that through a little better...oh and don't worry, the garbage can was cleaned out REALLY well!)

It ended up being a lot easier than I thought it would be. Even Mackenzie and DJ got involved,

Although DJ got a little TOO involved!

Luckily I had a couple empty detergent bottles floating around but ended up using anything that I could find with a lid! The finished product looks good and the test batch of laundry is rinsing as I post this. I'll let you know how well it works. Feel free to share any helpful suggestions that you have.

~Jeny

Beta House

I continue to be amazed at the daily encouragements that God gives me.
Tonight we served at the Beta House. (If you're not familiar with what the Beta House does, I encourage you to visit their website - basically it is a group home for teens who are pregnant or raising their babies) I was a little worried that I would have a break down, but God gave me my own little ray of sunshine...
We went to serve a meal to the girls who live there and to do some general chores around the center. It was a really great experience to interact with these girls that are in such a tough position but still trying to do the best for their children. I was really worried that being around little kids and babies would be difficult for me emotionally (especially considering that my little man would have been 6 months old today) I ended up having an amazing experience with one of the little kids there, "J" (as he is not mine, I'll avoid posting his full name). From the moment I walked in, he made eye contact with me and proceeded to follow me around insisting on being held. I have no doubt in my mind that this interaction was orchestrated by God.
God continues to put children in my path that I am able to connect with. I feel He is opening my heart back up and with each encounter I feel myself healing a little more. While I don't know how our future looks on the family-building front, I feel confident that God is preparing my heart to be ready for whatever it looks like.

Mackenzie's Playlist

Thought you guys might appreciate this. Mackenzie has always been very musically inclined, quick to pick up songs and always singing to herself. So it was only a matter of time before she wanted her own cd with "her" songs. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by her selections, but I can't help but be proud of them :@) Most of them are songs that I listen to in the car (2,3,4,7,8), but some of them come from her own tastes (1,5,6,12) and a couple are our "special songs" (9,10,11). Anyway, I tried finding a playlist to put them on here, but got frustrated very quickly. All of them came from iTunes if you want to listen :-)

1. Hosanna by Hillsong United
2. Lead me to the Cross by Francesca Battlistelli
3. Never Alone by BarlowGirl (The one she calls "That mommy song")
4. Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe (Mommy's Song)
5. You're the One by Chris and Conrad (This one she heard on the radio and insisted she have - seriously, how could I say no???)
6. Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
7. Your Hands by JJ Heller
8. Better than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant
9. Find Your Wings by Mark Harris (The Mackenzie Song)
10. Smile by Chris Rice (She calls this one "The song from when I was in your tummy-long story!!)
11. Save a Place for Me by Matthew West (The Jack song)
12. Jesus Loves Me from VeggieTales

Enjoy!
~Jeny

Not Me! Monday!

Ok, so I totally borrowed this from another blog, but I love the idea and I have PLENTY to confess. Original ideas from Kekukila and MckMama

I did NOT post this a day late because I did NOT totally lose track of my days and forget that today was not Monday but Tuesday. Nope, not me.

I did NOT stay up until 3am on a work night to see a silly movie with a theater full of screaming teenagers (and my BFF). Nope, not me. After all, I'm a grown up...right?

I most certainly did NOT drink so much coffee the next day to keep myself awake that the heartburn rendered me useless for the remainder of the day. Nope, not me. (BTW, someone remind me I need to buy more Tums)

I did NOT let my child eat a lunchable for dinner and make myself feel less guilty by making her eat cottage cheese with it. (That's healthy right?) And I most certainly did NOT allow this to happen the following day as well.

I did NOT totally lose it on my husband when I woke up from my nap on the 4th to find my daughter's room a certified disaster area and that he had (GASP) cooked the cheesey potatoes we were supposed to take that night by himself. Nope, not me. I would never do anything that ungrateful.

Wow, that felt really good! Thanks for listening and feel free to share your own :-)

Slaying the dragons...

So this has been an eventful week for me. I slayed a couple of really big dragons over the weekend. On Friday we went to a wedding at the church where we had Jack's service. It was both beautiful and very difficult at the same time. It took a tremendous amount of effort to even get out of the car. Fortunately there were a lot of people there from church that understood what was going on. Unfortunately there were also a lot of people who didn't know that were wondering "Who is that crazy lady? Why is she crying even though the ceremony hasn't started yet? Why does she look like she's going to bolt down the aisle at any moment?" (Answer to that last one is because I almost did)

The second really big dragon happened shortly after the first. I held a baby at the reception...yeah I know woah, big scary baby...no dagger-like claws, no sharpened teeth (yet)...but utterly terrifying just the same. As a general rule I have avoided babies for the past couple months because the thought of holding another baby terrifies me. I knew it would not be pretty and I was right. But once again, I was surrounded by people that I trusted and who really understood what a monumental moment this was for me (and I'm sure a couple people saying "Look, it's that crazy lady from the church").

This truly was a huge moment for me. One of the main things that has been bothering me (next to the obvious of course) was that I don't feel like the me I was before we lost Jack. The old me was drawn to babies. I loved to cuddle them, to hold them, to smell the soft fuzz of their hair and feel those tiny fingers curl around mine. I was terrified that that part of me would never come back, but there was a moment as I held that tiny little guy where I knew that my heart would heal. Probably never entirely and I know I'll always have a Jack sized scar there, but at least I know that parts of me will come back.

Through this whole journey God has been surrounding us by wonderfully supportive and encouraging people. I truly feel His reassurance during the times that are the hardest and it is His strength that I draw on.
~Jeny

Dreaming...

I had a horrible dream the other night. I didn't realize how horrible it was until I woke up...really until a few hours into my day when I had a mini-meltdown at my desk.
I dreamt that I was wandering around a hospital (not any hospital I recognized) looking for the NICU but I kept getting lost. Up and down elevators, through swinging doors and down the the same corridors over and over again. In the dream I was clueless...no panic, no worry, no stress, just resignation. I remember thinking "Well this is annoying" and getting back in the elevator to try again.
It was only after I was at work and sitting at my desk that I realized why it was so horrible. Jack was there. He was right there. I was searching and not even realizing what I was searching for. Why didn't I try harder!?! I could have seen him, touched him, held him....if only for that moment. For that one intangible moment that would vanish when I awoke.
I hear people who have lost loved ones complain that they dream of them for months, even years after. I haven't, not even once. This was the closest I have come and I couldn't even get a vision of him to comfort me.
I feel like this was my attitude for the short 66 days that we had him. No sense of urgency, no gut-wrenching worry or panic, just resignation. Not necessarily in a bad way, just understanding that this was how it was. That this was the path God had laid out for us and we just had to trust him and he would lead us through it. I get mad at myself aometimes for not making more of those precious moments with Jack. If only I had realized how finite those moments were I would have stretched them out, lived more in the moment. Or, would I have spent them in a panic without truly being able to enjoy them.
I wonder if I had known what was to come if I would have been so trusting with my heart. I sat next to a mother of 2 preemies at the March of Dimes awards ceremony. After sharing Jack's story she commented that she had often thought about losing her babies and felt that she held back from bonding with them in the hospital. I realized that the thought of losing Jack rarely, if ever, crossed my mind. That may sound naive of me, but I don't look at it that way. It's not in my nature to hold back my emotions. I could not have looked at him and not have been instantly in love, permanently bonded to my little man.
I look at it as God's blessing to me admist of this horribly imperfect situation. Although I had so little time with Jack, I enjoyed every moment. Very little of it was spent worrying or second guessing. I was confident that God would take care of Jack...and I continue to be confident that he is.

I hate Mondays...

Don't know why today was so tough. I think it's a Monday thing...
Monday's mean another week without Jack has started. Monday's mean my life is continuing and I am moving on. I'm terrified of moving on. Terrified of forgetting him although I know that will never happen. Part of me feels like if I just stay back here long enough then one day I'll wake up and none of it will have happened. If I move on it means I'm accepting the reality that my son is dead. Even to write those words bring grief to my heart and tears to my eyes. It's been a little over 6 weeks and not a day goes by that I don't weep for him. I miss him so very much.